What is a difficult conversation?A difficult conversation is any situation where the needs/wants, opinions or perceptions of the involved parties are diverse, with their feelings and emotions running strong. Usually the reason behind such strong feelings and emotions is that they have a lot at stake and they dread the consequences such as a conflict. Difficult conversations — whether you’re telling a client the project is delayed or presiding over an unenthusiastic performance review — are an inevitable part of management. How should you prepare for this kind of discussion? How do you find the right words in the moment? And, how can you manage the exchange so that it goes as smoothly as possible?
Sometimes we face uncomfortable situations. For example, give or receive negative feedback, deal with a hostile colleague or customer, handle a bitter complaint, raise performance issues, or even ask the boss for a raise. Sharp differences of opinions may be unnerving, and make us feel fearful, anxious or angry. While the stakes may be high, issues may be complex, so we feel unsure and avoid these conversations. Negative feelings may be bottled up, but may erupt like a volcano at the wrong time and precipitate a major crisis. As a leader, it is important for you to learn to effectively deal with difficult conversations. Despite differing opinions, and strong emotions, how do you communicate in a manner that does not leave the listeners feeling defensive and angry?
Let's work with a concrete example. Gayatri, a senior programmer, had joined the company two years earlier. She had received the performance rating of adequate in her first year. It was just an average rating. As a newcomer, she had spent the initial period learning the ropes and so she accepted her performance rating. In the second year, she made significant efforts, two key initiatives, and felt that she had made solid contributions to the team's success. But to her utter surprise and disappointment, she was again given the performance rating of adequate in her second year. A co-worker who did not do as much as she did receive a superior rating of good. Gayatri felt really disheartened. She wanted to talk to her manager but had nagging questions.
Will she be able to constructively resolve the issue?
Will her bitterness affect her performance?
By raising the issue, will she antagonize her boss?
Let us deal with Gayatri's dilemma using the Harvard framework. The framework is built around four key insights.
First insight, in every difficult conversation, there are actually three conversations going on. The first one is the content conversation. It deals with what happened. For example, the intents of people involved or who is responsible. The second conversation is the feelings conversation. This deals with what emotions are involved. And the third conversation is the identity conversation. This concerns the issue of what does this say about me. The mistake that we make is that we tend to deal only with the content but don't recognize how this is affecting both the parties emotionally and fail to identify what is at stake for individuals about their own self-image.
Second insight, often we get caught up with the battle of messages. We try to prove that we are right and they are wrong. For effectiveness in dealing with difficult conversations, we must move from the battle of messages to learning conversation. Learning conversation is characterized by curiosity. It is not that Gayatri has to give up her point of view but she has to try to understand the boss's perspective for the satisfactory resolution of the issue.
Third insight, impact is not intention. Gayatri felt hurt by the boss's rating but it does not automatically imply that the boss intended to hurt Gayatri. It is quite possible that there were other compulsions that drove the boss to give the adequate rating, which Gayatri is not aware of at the moment.
Fourth and final insight. Often, it is not content or emotions, but the issue of identity that is the most hidden and left unsaid, but the most dominant. Gayatri may be most bothered, whether she's seen as a competent, effective performer, and liked as a member of the team. We tend to look at issues in black and white terms. Gayatri may feel incompetent, disliked and not a part of the in group of favored members of the team. That makes difficult conversations really challenging.
What specific steps should Gayatri take?
Step one is to prepare by walking through the three conversations. Gayatri should avoid the battle of messages and get into a learning frame. She has to understand how the situation may have unfolded, address feelings without blaming and get into a problem solving mode. She has to think through with the following illustrative questions.
What is my perspective?
What elements am I missing?
What do I think has been the impact of my work?
My guess about how I or boss may have contributed to the present rating?
What do I think is the boss's perspective?
What is my guess about the boss's intention?
Is it possible that the boss has acted unintentionally or from multiple and conflicting intentions?
At the feelings level, what feelings underline my judgments?
What might the boss feel?
And at the identity level, how does the situation affect my self-image and identity?
Step two is to raise issues as a learning conversation. To avoid the battle of messages, and foster a learning conversation, Gayatri has to carefully set the stage in terms of time and place for the interaction. In an amicable tone, Gayatri may ask for one-on-one meeting.
Step three involves starting from the objective third story. The issue is raised in an impartial manner, just as a third person would. The third story is the most objective and unbiased, and helps informing a common ground for Gayatri and her boss to work together as partners in jointly sorting out the situation.
Step four involves exploring their story and yours. Gayatri should describe the behavior or situation concretely, and specifically without blaming or negative judgement. She may also describe the impact of the behavior or situation on her and the reasons for the impact. It would usually include feelings. In sharing her perspective, Gayatri will discuss specific tasks or projects that she had taken on during her tenure in that position with a clear focus of performance in the previous 12 months. Then Gayatri may ask open questions, such as what's your perspective on this? And actively listens.
Step five involves problem solving. For effective problem solving, it is important to have a mindset of learning and problem solving. This requires openness, curiosity, a non-judgemental and caring mindset. Gayatri will acknowledge the boss's views by paraphrasing the message to make sure she has clearly understood it. She will acknowledge feelings, ask open questions, check interpretations, expand the story to include other's comments, probe for and reinforce counter examples, reframe complaints as desire for improvement and arrive at a concrete plan of action.
As the author, Douglas Stone writes, difficult conversations are almost never about getting the facts right. They are about conflicting perceptions Interpretations, and values.
Principles to Remember while having unfavourable conversationDo:
1. Take regular breaks during the day; the more calm and centered you are, the better you are at handling tough conversations when they arise.
2. Slow down the pace of the conversation — it helps you find the right words and it signals to your counterpart that you’re listening.
3. Find ways to be constructive by suggesting other solutions or alternatives.
Don’t:
1. Label the news you need to deliver as a “difficult conversation” in your mind; instead frame the discussion in a positive or neutral light.
2. Bother writing a script for how you want the discussion to go; jot down notes if it helps, but be open and flexible.
3. Ignore the other person’s point of view — ask your counterpart how he sees the problem and then look for overlaps between your perspectives.
Thank you so much Guys.
Stay Fit, Take Care & Keep Smiling
